Just Breathe
by PlanetOfTheWeepingWillow
Summary: Gilbert's life is hectic, insane, and he has no choice but to breathe. Even if the jealousy he has of his best friend Antonio threatens to kill him off once and for all. One-shot. AU


_"Close your eyes and uncurl each finger of your fists. Let every pent up breath you have inside out. Let the rage and fire burn for just a moment. Now, part your lips and let them unfurl."_

Gilbert allowed the pent-up air inside him to go. But his thoughts were elsewhere. He wondered why they didn't have mats because his bottom was getting cold on the hard tile. He wondered why he didn't bring a heavier jacket. This dark red sweater was barely fending off the air in the drafty basement. His placed his hands palm-down on his knees and breathed.

When he opened his eyes he was greeted, directly before him, a woman they called Relaxation Randy. She smiled brightly at him, her green eyes solemn. She had her fingers pinched and her legs in lotus position. Her smooth white feet were pointed upwards, towards the mass of springy red curls surrounding her head. She tilted her chin to face the three others in the group and finally landed on Gilbert.

"Now we've meditated," Randy said calmly, leaning back and resting her head against the back of a divan. "Let's introduce the new member."

She turned towards the third and last member of the free therapy group. The member was tall with massive breasts and plumy lips. She grinned at Gilbert and the other member. She moved her long, long legs before her and sighed. Her hair spilled back down her shoulders in a massive braid.

"I'm Jenna-Z, call me Z." She said.

"What have you come here for?" Randy asked in her overly-gentle voice.

"I'm here to restart my life." Z spoke in a deep voice that sometimes peaked into a high-pitched baby-talk tone. Gilbert found it vaguely annoying, but overall he liked Z.

"Anything you'd like to tell us about? Your past perhaps?" Randy said. She shot a smile at the other member, Antonio, who had agreed to tag-along with Gilbert. Gilbert looked at his best friend, seeking his opinion on Z. Of course, Antonio was ogling her in bemused interest.

Z pondered it. "Well, I don't like my past too much, but I'll answer questions."

Antonio raised his browned hand up, his fingers spreading finely. He had massive forearms that he liked to show off by rolling up his sleeves.

"Yes?" Randy asked.

Usually the only members at the free therapy group on Tuesdays were Gilbert and sometimes a half-blind high school kid. Otherwise Randy got to know him well. She helped him cope. She helped him breathe again.

"What does the 'Z' in your name mean, Miss?" Antonio asked, purposefully emphasizing his accent.

Z looked flattered at the attention from such a handsome man. She grinned. "The Z stands for Zack, which was my old name."

"Ahhhh, I see."

Gilbert was jealous. No doubt whatsoever about that. He was crazy jealous of Antonio. Gilbert was wispy and starch-white. Antonio was bulky and brown, with hair luscious and bountiful. When Gilbert laughed it was harsh and when he talked people tended to step back. When Antonio laughed it was warm, like wind chimes, and when _he_ talked, people flocked like crazy. Women were especially drawn to his fluorescence, fluttering their moth wings and getting close enough that they would burn in the warmth radiating from his skin.

Despite all this, Gilbert still considered Antonio his best friend. Antonio did come along to help him. Antonio did give him a place to stay when he accidentally spent all his money on a hooker. Antonio did get him to the hospital when Gilbert nearly drunk himself to death. Of this, Gilbert was also jealous.

"And Jenna is just the name I chose. It's like my middle name, Jacob," She was still talking. Gilbert had forgotten to listen.

He turned his gaze on Randy who was half-asleep. The light was gray and cool, coming in through slits of windows like squinted eyes. Outside it was threatening to rain. Slow, muffled music poured through the speakers.

"And then after the operation I was _so _loopy I was certain I had conquered half of France and had eaten their poodles for breakfast!"

Antonio burst into laughter. Randy still had a dreamy look on her face, centering it on Gilbert. Gilbert looked back evenly. She was not intoxicated. She was mellow. She had a hard life. Tough luck, man, here's a dime for your troubles.

Gilbert sat up straighter and reached to the rug before him, curling one of the tassels around his fingers. He rubbed it, finding a layer of dust clinging to each hair. Upstairs Randy's family bustled. Her children clamored, back from school. Her husband was calling someone up from work. Randy was a convict, the kind that was falsely accused. Up until then she had been a fine retailer, wheeling in more customers by the day. But after jail she was never the same. She started the session and regressed from her family: a leaf floating away from its tree down the river.

"What did you do then?"

"Well I slapped that son of a bitch right here." She pointed at her crotch.

Antonio empathetically winced. "Was it worth it though?"

"You bet it was!"

Gilbert was jealous of this too.

Gilbert was jealous that Antonio's nails weren't yellow. That his lungs were fine. That Z hadn't even looked at Gilbert.

Z had beautiful eyes, bright, sparkling, and interested. She laughed often, her chest heaving. Her dress tightened around her remarkable body. She smelled of strawberries.

Breathe.

_Breathe, Gilbert, Breathe…_

So Gilbert did. He took a shallow breath. They were harder and harder to find. He stared at Randy who was whispering words that made no sense but still made him feel lighter, lighter than air, light as an echo.

"No you tell that bitch right off." Z said, shaking her head and massive hair. "She does _not_ deserve you whatsoever."

"Ahhh, you think that?" Antonio asked, bashfully.

He had heard these comments a million and one times before. And yet he still could make himself blush and look to the ground softly, as if he was but a mere puppy dog. Z fell in love with it. She grinned.

"Yes, yes, I sure do think that. Don't you agree Randy? If you got poison in your system and you can pump it out, what the hell are you waiting for?"

"Yes, what are you waiting for…" Randy asked. Gilbert felt her eyes swerve to him. He felt strange.

Was that intentional?

_How could it be?_

_Only a coincidence, Gilbert, the numbers just _happened _to line up like that._

_Funny, isn't it?_

Gilbert breathed. He watched Randy. But she was no longer watching him. She turned to the ground which seemed to tilt. Gilbert felt lopsided. His head must be hurting. He dug in his pockets for a pill, something to make it go away. Of course, he had nothing in there. He asked for a glass of water under his breath. He directed the question right between Antonio to his left and Z to his right, straight towards Randy. He nudged it right under the coursing river of conversation overhead.

As if accepting a secret mission, Randy nodded covertly and stood. In a minute she returned with a green cup filled with water. Gilbert took it. He sipped the opalescent-emerald water in a gulp. His head was still pounding. He felt annoyed now more than anything.

_Breathe_

"Oh honey you would make a lovely woman, but are you seriously not comfortable this way?" Z asked sympathetically. She hadn't looked at Gilbert yet. He felt like an intruding ghost.

"No! I feel fine. I was just wondering if it's better being a woman."

"For me it certainly is. I feel free. I feel like I'm at home."

"I feel this way here. I would be a woman for a day if I could, but I'm not prepared to commit to such a body."

"Of course not darling."

_Green water_

_Drink it_

_It's not poisoned_

_Shhh_

_Breathe_

_Just_

_Breathe_

(breathe through what?)

Gilbert opened his eyes. The room faded away. Z's voice vanished. Antonio's laugh drowned in the blazing lights of a hospital. He stared overhead. Had he been dreaming? His breathing came in slow knots of pain. Something was clamped to his finger. He looked around the hospital room, wondering how he got here.

Wondering why he was alone.

* * *

_I do not own Hetalia_


End file.
